Words To Live By

It's just a little inspiration to get your day rolling. Listen for Words to Live By at 7:45 a.m. Monday through Saturday on The Wake Up With The Wolf Show!


The Miracle Doctor

 Author unknown – from ‘Keep Ahead’
 
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do.

Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.

So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste 'nothin, so what are 'ya going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.

So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the town.
 
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Holiday Calorie-Counting Guide

Author unknown – from ‘Buffalos Chips’
 

1.UNEVEN EDGES:  Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls upon the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by consuming the offending irregularities, which, of course, have no calories.

2.BALANCED FOOD:  Obviously, a diet soda and gingerbread cookie cancel each out.

3.HOT CHOCOLATE:  Contains no calories on cold days - they float off in the steam.

4.FOOD FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES:  Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts. This includes hot chocolate, Jim Beam, malted milk, toast and anything with Sara Lee on the box.

5.WHIPPED CREAM, SOUR CREAM, BUTTER:  These all act as a poultice that actually draws out the calories when laced on food, leaving them calorie-free. Afterwards you can eat the poultice, too, as all calories are neutralized by it.

6.CHARITABLE FOODS:  The calories in Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cakes, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation.

7.FOOD ON FOOT:  Food eaten standing up has no calories. The reason is not clear to scientists, but current theory suggests a relation to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach, flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet onto the floor, like electricity. Walking appears to accelerate this process, so that a nog or ale consumed while caroling in your neighborhood actually has a calorie deficit.

8.FOOD SWIPED FROM SPOUSE'S PLATE:  Please - that's a no-brainer.

9.FOOD WITH WRITING ON IT:  Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all cakes are potentially fat on your hips. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Noel" or "Feliz Navidad" in colored icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's rude.

10.ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH:  Contains no calories to speak of. And we don't. This includes chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries, cubes of Gouda and all Godiva truffles.

 
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Hanging Christmas Lights

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?

Page Six's Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. (He is rarely wrong on these things.)

We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not to Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree”

... "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy.  You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

... "Up a little higher.  You can reach it.  Go on, try."

... "What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away every year?  Tie them in knots?"

... "Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids.  I'm going to fry that sucker."

... "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all.  Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles.  You're worse than your father."

... "Give me that."

... "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down.  The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

... "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done, period!"

... "You've just wound 'em around and around -- I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

... "Have you been drinking?"


 
 
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Picnic Without a Bottle Opener

Author unknown – from ‘Colorado Comments’
 
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with Coke and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and Coke. 'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener'

'I didn't bring it' says Roy. 'I thought you packed it'.

Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?' Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.

Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their Tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts: "I KNEW IT......... I'M NOT GOING!"
 
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Little Johnny & the Math Lesson

Author unknown – from ‘Buffalos Chips’
 
Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children do problems on the blackboard that day.

"Who would like to do the first problem, addition?" she asked.

No one raised their hand.

She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.

"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?"

Students hid their faces.

She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend, Lisa, whispered it to him.

"Who would like to do the third problem, division?"

Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular.

The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right.

"Who would like to do the fourth problem, multiplication?"

Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room.

Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence.

"Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?"

"The Bible says to go fourth and multiply!"
 
 
 
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Bad Dog!

Author Unknown -- from 'LAB Laughs'

 
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?'

The guy stammers and says, 'Um... no... um... what happened?'.

The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'
 
 
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Old Man and Little Boy

Original Source Unknown -- from Diana Gaertner

An old man is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You darn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You darn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like some sort of tool. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a Monkey wrench."

"Wait up... I'll get my hat -- this I gotta see."
 

 
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What is Marketing?

Author unknown - from "Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh List"

 

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
     "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
     The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her
     and compliment her hair. You open the door for her,
     pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride,
     and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
     She gives you a hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback.

 
 
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The First Parent

Author unknown
 
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing God said to them was: "DON'T."   "Don't what?   Adam asked.  "Don't eat the forbidden fruit, said God."   "Forbidden fruit?   Where is it?"   Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.

"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after creating the elephants.  A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break, and He was very angry.

"Didn't I tell you NOT to eat that fruit?"  God, the "First Parent" asked?   "Uh huh," Adam replied.  "Then why DID you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.  "I dunno," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.  Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.  But there is reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they ignore it, don't be too hard on yourself.  If God had trouble handling His children, what makes you think you can do better than Him?
 
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Salesman and the Hunting Dog

Author unknown – from ‘Buffalos Chips’
A salesman was transferred to another area. He loved to bird hunt and asked his associates if there was somewhere nearby where he could hunt. One of the other salesman said there was a retired salesman who lived on a farm a few miles outside of town and, if you rented his dog, he guarantees you will get your limit.

The next weekend, the salesman went to the farm and asked if he could rent the man's dog and hunt on his land. "Sure" the retired salesman said. "His name is Salesman. Call him Salesman and tell him what you want to hunt" "I feel stupid talking to a dog," the salesman replied. "Don't knock it until you try it." The man replied. The salesman took the dog out to a field and said "Salesman, I want to hunt pheasant."

The dog promptly started flushing up pheasant after pheasant until he got his limit. The salesman was impressed but sure that pheasant was all the dog was trained to hunt.

"Salesman, I want to hunt quail." He said to the dog. To his utter amazement, the dog flushed up quail after quail until he had his limit. Bringing the dog back to his owner the salesman said "This is the most amazing dog I have ever seen. I am coming back to rent Salesman again next weekend!" The next weekend the salesman went back to the farm to rent the dog. "Sorry, the dog is ruined," the man said sadly.

"Why? Did someone shoot him?" the salesman replied. "No, but I'm fixin' to." The man replied. "Somebody came out to rent the dog and I told him like I told you. Call him Salesman and tell him what you want to hunt. Well the darned fool called him Sales Manager and now all he does is sit on his butt and bark at the other animals all day long.”
 
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